The divorce rate is high, and seems to be getting higher and higher. How can you and your spouse avoid that fate? What is the key to a happy marriage?

Naturally, this question doesn’t have a simple answer. Thousands of psychologists have asked this question, and many have conducted research to determine what works.

Many therapists will tell you that open communication and honesty are the cornerstones of a happy marriage. It’s true that good communication helps, a lot, but it’s not a cure-all. You can use “I-statements” until kingdom come, and still find yourself in a hurtful argument.

Even with the best intentions, many couples find themselves talking to divorce attorneys shortly after a few sessions in couple’s therapy. Again, communication isn’t everything.

So, what makes the real difference? Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman have a unique belief about marriage. The Gottman Relationship Institute has conducted extensive research on marriage to determine why some relationships last, and others don’t.

The Gottmans determined that communication is not the most important piece of the puzzle. What is it? Friendship. You and your spouse need to be on the same side. When couples begin to find themselves in a “me versus you” paradigm, the relationship is going downhill.

Dr. John Gottman became famous with his claim that he could decide, within several minutes, whether a relationship would fail or not. He looks for telltale signs of failure, such as contempt and defensiveness.

If you want to work out your relationship, think about why you fell in love, and why you want to spend your life with this person. From that place of positive intention, build up a relationship based on a sincere friendship. If you can do that, being married will be a lot easier.